This message was presented to the congregation on Sunday, May 31:
Since retiring about 4 years ago, I have been spending time
looking inward in order to try to figure out what motivates me to behave in
certain ways. I have found this to be
difficult, humbling, scary and at times, wonderfully freeing! One of the behaviors that I have been
reflecting on and researching is my habit of comparing myself to others. I guess I started the comparison business
when I was fairly young. Coming from a
family with six children, I can remember a lot of squabbles surrounding “How
come she gets the bigger one?” or “Why does he get to go and I can’t?” Regardless of when I learned – I’ve been a
comparer for most of my life.
There are some instances when comparisons are not bad or
wrong. Take comparing one estimate for
work to be done against another estimate…..or comparing the benefits of one
type of investment against another….or comparing the functionality of one
appliance brand against another. Those
types of comparisons are necessary in order to get the product or outcome that
you want or need.
I’d like to focus on an unhealthy type of comparison –
comparing oneself with another. When we
do this comparison, there are usually two outcomes – we feel inferior because
we compare ourselves to someone we believe is “better” than we are; or we feel
superior because our comparison becomes a judgment of someone.
I’m going to presume that we all do it or have done it at
some point in our lives. We compare
ourselves to others and gauge where we are based on what we observe them to be
doing.
If it was simply an observation, that would be one
thing. But in comparing oneself to
others, we often end up judging ourselves and there’s no one worse to
judge! It’s not a fair comparison, of
course. I tend to compare myself with
someone I perceive as being, doing, having more. The key word here is perceive because I don’t
always know of their insecurities or how much suffering and pain they have
endured during their life.
But even if it’s an apples-to-apples comparison – my gifts
or things to theirs – what use is that?
Do my gifts and things need to be better than anyone else’s? Why?
Do these things determine my happiness? Do they show me what life is about?
No: happiness comes from
appreciating what’s in front of me, not wishing I was someone else or doing
something else. In order for me to find
out what life is about, I need to pay closer attention to my life, not someone
else’s.
And I don’t need to be better than anyone else: I just need to love where I am and what I’m
doing and who I am. That’s what matters.
The comparisons don’t make me happier or appreciate life
more – they make me feel “less than.”
I remember comparing in grade school, especially around the
5th or 6th grades.
I was very quiet and shy and I used to look at the girls who were not
and wish that I was like them. I was
also on the chubby size and would look at the other girls who were thin and
wish that I looked like them. You must
remember also, that this was the age of Twiggy!
These comparisons only made me feel “less than”. And that’s the thing about comparing yourself
to others – there is never a win for you.
There are an infinite number of categories upon which a
person can compare themself and an almost infinite number of people to compare yourself
to. Once we begin down that road, we
never find an end.
The tendency to compare ourselves to others is as human as
any other emotion. But the decision to
compare only steals joy from our lives and it’s a habit with lots of
shortcomings. Theodore Roosevelt said
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” They
add no value, meaning or fulfillment to our lives. They only distract from it. There are so many things wrong with comparing
such as:
Comparisons are always unfair: We typically compare the worst we know of
ourselves to the best we presume about others.
Each person is too unique to compare fairly: Your gifts, talents, successes, contributions
and value are entirely unique to you and your purpose in this world. They can never be properly compared to anyone
else.
You have nothing to gain, but much to lose when comparing. For example, your pride, your dignity, your
drive and your passion. Even if you
reach the highest level of success, there will always be something – or
someone- else to focus on. But by doing
so, we waste precious energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than our
own.
Comparisons often result in resentment - Resentment toward
others and toward oneself.
How then, can we break this habit of comparison?
One of the tools I read about was re-directing our
comparison to how we were in the past as compared to how we are now. In other words, keep the comparison within
instead of without. Think about the fact
that we are always becoming more. Who we
are today is the result of the decisions we made yesterday. We are always in a “state of creation.” So, when you catch yourself comparing
yourself to another, stop for a moment and re-direct the thought. Instead of submitting to the temptation to
compare yourself to someone else, ask yourself a few questions instead:
1.
What are you doing today that you couldn’t have
done five, three or even one year ago? Become
aware of your successes. No matter what
your place is in life, you have a unique perspective backed by unique
experiences and unique gifts.
2.
How have you stepped out in the last year that
you might have found inconceivable before?
You have everything you need to accomplish good in your little section
of the world. Find motivation to pursue
these opportunities.
3.
What negative behavior have you stopped engaging
in that you never thought you could quit?
Remind yourself that no one is perfect and nobody is living a painless
life.
4.
What positive behavior have you been engaging in
that up until now, you have resisted? A
positive behavior, such as gratitude forces us to recognize the good things we
already have in our world.
5.
How have you continued to become a new and
improved version of yourself? Finding
inspiration and learning from others is very wise. Try asking questions of the people you
admire. Surround yourself with people
who know more than you do about a topic that you are interested in.
These are the things that count. Comparing ourselves with someone else is
inaccurate and irrelevant. We all came
into this world differently. We all came
in with certain gifts that, through life experience, we have continued to
hone. Remember that the only masterful
creation we have to work with is ourselves.
We should strive to be the best possible versions of ourselves – not
only for own selves, but for the benefit and contribution we can offer to
others. Learn to celebrate the little
advancements you make without comparing them to others. There are so many negative effects with
comparing. It’s a shame that we do
it. You will be amazed at the freedom
you can find if you compare less.
In closing, I’d like to share a quote from Helen
Keller. “Instead of comparing our lot
with that of those who are more fortunate than we are, we should compare it
with the lot of the great majority of our fellow humans. It then appears that we are among the
privileged.”
